


You Don't Deserve Anything

by bpdcerberus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Bro Strider, BPD, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/F, FTM, FTM Dave Strider, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF A DEAD BODY TW, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF VIOLENCE TW, M/M, OH and this also has purposeful deadnaming and misgender, Proceed with caution, THROWING UP TW, TW IN GENERAL, Trans Dave, abuse tw, blood tw, boy oh boy, characters with bpd, davekat - Freeform, death tw, ing, or just proceed with caution in general, proceed with caution if youre sensitive or have triggers similar to these tags, so transphobia tw as well, thats a good idea, they met all the trolls except aradia, this all takes place as if dave and rose got there before all the dying and stuff happened, this fic is rly heavy tbh, this probably wont have a happy ending btw, transphobia TW, traumitized character, vomit tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6582574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpdcerberus/pseuds/bpdcerberus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <strong>**Please please PLEASE do not read this fic if you are sensitive to physical abuse, emotional abuse, dysfunctional relationships, or anything else in the tags of this fic. I am not responsible for anything that happens to you if you ignore this message, however if you do read this and think a tag should be added, please tell me.**</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You hated it when Karkat yelled at you, but it was a sure as hell of a lot better than when he was quiet. Luckily, that was almost never. The greatest fear of yours is silence. You lived a life of silence for 4 years. Once you came out as trans to your Bro, he got so much worse. Before you had, he was tough on you, of course, but he was never like he had gotten to be. He would call you worthless, stupid, unimportant.. Not to mention use your dead-name and old pronouns. The first time anyone called you “Dave” was when you told Rose you were trans. Your friends all accepted you and everything was golden with them. Not with Bro.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

Your name is Dave Strider and you are crying.

You are in yet another argument with your boyfriend Karkat, and you are sobbing.

“I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD RATHER SPEND TIME WITH *TEREZI* THAN ME!” He’s shouting, his face screwed up in a face of rage and betrayal. “THAT NOOK EATING PIECE OF LOADDUMP!? WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT *TEREZI*!?!? HUH!?”

You hated it when Karkat yelled at you, but it was a sure as hell of a lot better than when he was quiet. Luckily, that was almost never. The greatest fear of yours is silence. You lived a life of silence for 4 years. Once you came out as trans to your Bro, he got so much worse. Before you had, he was tough on you, of course, but he was never like he had gotten to be. He would call you worthless, stupid, unimportant.. Not to mention use your dead-name and old pronouns. The first time anyone called you “Dave” was when you told Rose you were trans. Your friends all accepted you and everything was golden with them. Not with Bro.

“Tell me, Samantha,” He would say, “Do you know why you don’t fucking deserve my love? Do you?”

You didn’t. You never knew.

“It’s because you’re. A. Worthless. Little. Girl.” Bro would hiss, face placid and cold. “You don’t deserve ANYTHING.”

 

“YOU DON’T DESERVE MY TIME ANY-”

“Shut up.” You say, half in the moment and half out of it. You can almost see the hat and pointy shades on your boyfriend and it scared you. It scared you so goddamn much.

“WHAT?”

“I said shut UP!!” Karkats face faded from anger into a face of surprise. You had never shouted at him - at anyone really - before. You swallow down another outburst, ripping your shades off and throwing them on the floor. They shatter and you turn and run off through the maze of hallways.

***

You wake up on the floor in a hallway you don't recognize - but then again, how could you recognize one? They’re all the same gray walls and endless ceiling that you can’t see.

You’re on your back and your legs are sore. You ran untill you couldn’t anymore. It always made you feel better.

You sit up, feeling pretty okay until all the events from - when was it? Yesterday? Today? Tomorrow? - came back to you. WIthout the sun and moon around, you have no concept of time on this stupid meteor. No matter when it happened, it happened and you’re terrified to see him again. What if he hates you now?? One thing is on your mind right now.

‘Rose. Rose. Find Rose. Find Rose. Find Rose.’ You’ve always been so dependent on your ecto-sister. With the help of the wall, you stand and try to find your way to the lab where Rose and Kanaya usually are.

CLANG!

What was that?

You look behind you, drawing in your eyebrows.

You don’t see anything but empty, endless halls. It’s so quiet that you only hear your own rushed breathing, your anxiety taking over your flight-or-flight instinct and it’s screaming ‘flight, flight, flight, flight, flight!!’ at you. You stay rooted in place, frozen by fear. Your arms tremble convulsively and you clench your jaw.The hall seemed to spin around you at a dizzying pace. Your chest tightened and you felt physically sick.

You bite your lip and run for it, somehow finding your way to the lab.

Opening the door as quietly as possible in your trembly state, you peek in and look around. The dark, grey-walled room was empty. At least the lab actually had a ceiling.

You go inside anyways, closing and locking the door behind you. Your chest is tight and you can feel a panic attack coming on. Holing yourself up in here was a very good idea. Small, locked spaces make panic attacks more bearable. You start to shake harder, sitting up against the wall of the lab. You clench your clammy hands into fists again and again, trying to calm down. The room spins like a top around you and you bring your knees to your chest, hugging them.

You kept your eyes open, because you knew if you closed them for too long then the flashbacks and memories will start to flash before your eyes and you definitely do not need that right now.

Your stomach sinks as you realize that was too good to be true - the terrible memories have begun to form into hallucinations for you. Your older "brother" stands in the corner, shades hiding his eyes and his sword drawn. Tears stream heavily down your cheeks and your breathing comes quicker. This can't be happening. Not again, not again, not a-

"Samantha. Don't you remember what I've told you about _crying_?" The man hisses at you. How could you forget? You still had the scars from where he carved the words 'No Crying' into your back. "Crying makes it worse." He walks towards you slowly.

Your uncontrollable trembling worsens.

Seconds, minutes, then hours pass and you do not move from your place, your eyes locked on the hallucination and his words ringing through your ears. You'd never had such a potent hallucination before - Karkat's words must have hit something hard.

You are exhausted from shaking and crying. You sit, blankly staring at the floor. Every time. This happens every time you and Karkat argue. You run off, have terrible memories and cry, then Rose will come find you and comfort you. You know Rose will realize you are missing and not with Karkat, and she will go to the lab to find your figure huddled against the wall. Kanaya will go talk to Karkat, and Rose will talk to you.

A soft knock sounds from the locked door. “David?” She knows you won’t respond, nor get up to unlock the door, so she picks the lock and comes in.

Rose walks over, sitting next to you and wrapping her arms around you. You’re still trembling a little bit as you lean into her hug. She doesn’t say anything.

Nor do you.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for vomit, death and graphic descriptions of horror/dead bodies.

You walk out of the lab a while after Rose leaves, wandering about through the hallways. Everything is deadly quiet.

 

 About a month ago, Eridan went berserk and killed Feferi and badly hurt Sollux. Sollux had died not too long after. Kanaya then killed Eridan. Aradia had died pretty early on in the game. Out of the 12 trolls who were playing the game, only 8 were left. Or was it 7? No one had seen Gamzee in a while. Everyone thinks he's crawling about in the vents. 

 

Your cape of your God tier outfit billowed behind you as you walked. The snap of it blowing was the only noise, save for your footsteps. You hated how quiet it was. You hated it so much. It reminded you of... "Home". The long winding halls with doors that led nowhere, the silence, the clang and whir of metalwork... 

 

You come across a set of double doors. They don't have windows on them, but they look different than the other doors that line the halls. You push them open. The smell of something foul hits your nose and it churns your stomach. You know that smell all too well. It's the smell of blood. There's a faint smell of soda in the air here as well. 

 

Proceeding with caution, you walk inside, looking for the source of the smell. You hope you don't find it. You see a giant pile of robotic parts in the middle of the room. The smell gets stronger as you walk towards it. You begin to feel sick. 

 

You look left and right, but this seems to be the only room. That only meant one thing. The source of the smell was either in or behind the robotic parts. The room spun as you walked forward. You look around the corner of the pile. At first you don't know what you're looking at. It looks like someone dumped blue and green paint everywhere. The smell is so potent that it feels like there's smoke in your lungs. You taste bile in the back of your throat as you realize what it is. 

 

It's what used to be Nepeta Leijon and Equius Zahhak. 

 

There is mostly green blood on the floor. Equius has a string around his neck and an arrow in his knee, as well as a few other injuries. You feel yourself start to heave as you lay your eyes on Nepeta. Her body is misshapen as if she was beaten to death. She's unrecognizable save for her blood color. 

 

You fall to your knees and retch, barely able to breathe. You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to get a lungful of air. As soon as you empty your stomachs contents, you get up and run the best you can out of the door and to the main control room where you black out.  

 

***

 

You wake up on the red couch you and Karkat always watch movies on. Karkat is asleep on the floor a few feet away. You sit up, looking down at yourself. You have a green stain on your knee and you begin to feel sick again. You manage to keep from retching since there is nothing in your stomach but acids. 

 

"DAVE?" Karkat speaks. You look over. He's sitting up, looking at your with wide eyes. He gets up, half running over to you. Karkat wraps you in a hug and your muscles tighten in discomfort. You haven't forgotten how alike his words were to Bros. he lets go. "WHAT?" Karkat blinks. "WHY ARE YOU TENSING UP LIKE THAT?"

 

"..nothing. You caught me off guard is all." You lie, blinking. 

 

"OH. SORRY."

 

You just shrug. 

 

"WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DID YOU RUN IN AND PASS OUT? YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT NEPETA AND THEN FELL OVER." Karkat asks, thick eyebrows drawn in with concern. 

 

"I.." You stutter. "I f-found Nepeta and Equius.." You bite your lip. "T-They were d.." Swiping a tear off your cheek, you stop. 

 

Karkat seems to droop and you know he knows what you mean. "WHERE?" His voice sounds tired and exhausted, as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. "The room had big pile of robotic parts in the middle and double doors." You say, remembering all you can about it. Karkat nods. "I KNOW WHERE THAT IS. ILL GET TEREZI TO EDIT THE METEOR LAYOUT AND GET RID OF THE HALLWAY..." He sighed, getting up and walking in the direction of his room, looking defeated. 

 

You get up, feeling a little bit better, physically at least. Your head hurts but it's nothing you can't handle. You decide to roam the endless gray halls, but staying close to the control room while Terezi was editing the layout of the halls. You don't want to be erased. 

 

As you walk you hear a loud CLANG!

 

That was the sound from yesterday. You look behind you, swallowing down tears.  The grate from the vent a couple meters up had fallen to the floor. Your entire body freezes up. The sound of a bike horn grew louder. Honk... Honk... Honk. Honk Honk. HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. A head peeked out of the vent. It was a troll with bushy hair, long horns and face paint - Gamzee Makara. 

 

"What's happening, brother? I HAVENT SEEN YA IN A WHILE!!!" He speaks then shouts suddenly, making you flinch. He's smiling his mellow smile. 

 

You immediately know something is not right. "N-Not much. Hallucinations, trauma. You?"

 

"Not much for me either. " He jumps out of the vent, landing square on his feet. Gamzee has his clubs in hand. "IM JUST ALL UP AND CLIMBIN IN THE VENTS, BROTHER!!! And doin some killing.. THE LOWBLOODS DESERVED IT!!!" The sudden shouting again. 

 

"Sounds fun. Got to go." You say, hurriedly turning and starting to speed walk away. 

 

"Wait!" Gamzee calls, following you. "IM NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU!!!" He catches up, spinning you around by the shoulder and pushing you towards the wall. You wince as your head hits it. 

 

"The fuck was that for?!" You hiss, clutching the back of your head. "You all up and stole him," Gamzee said, walking closer to you and pinning you to the wall with a hand on your shoulder. "IM GONNA TAKE HIM THE FUCK BACK BROTHER!!!!!! He's mine. " You feel his breath on your face. It smells terrible. You look away. His eyes are small and beady-looking under his mop of hair and it's scaring you. 

 

"Who are you even talking about?" You ask, voice quiet. "KARBRO OF FUCKING COURSE!!!!" He shouts, grinning a large, toothy grin filled with sharp teeth. With the hand not holding a club, Gamzee grabs you by the collar. "I didn't steal shit!! He doesn't like you like that, dude!!" You counter, rage filling you. Gamzee flings you at the ground. The hall spins as your head smacks against the floor, a faint crack sounding. You aren't sure if anything broke or not. 

 

Your vision is blurry, and all you see is a tall silhouette raising a club above his head, ready to strike. 

 

A warm liquid splashes on your face and the loud sound of some sort of machine rumbling fills your ears.  The silhouette falls, one half going to the right, the other to the left. A female figure stands over you, a chainsaw in hand. Before you can make sense of anything, you black out. 


End file.
